I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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