It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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