I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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