Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
