If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
