I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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