Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
