My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
