absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
