I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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