I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
