Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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