I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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