I heard we made out
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
