I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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