I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
