i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
