When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
