Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I supernannyed him into submission
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
