How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
