I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
