this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
