Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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