I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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