I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
