so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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