As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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