I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
