We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
