I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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