My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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