did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My nipple is on Facebook.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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