I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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