You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
