Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
