The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
