no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
