Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
