i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
