1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
