I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
