there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
