just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
