ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
