Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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