I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
