I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Randomize
