toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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