She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
handjob tips. give me some.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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