Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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